Devastation part 2

 

This is another raw emotional post and even writing this I am in tears. 

From the day I became “officially bald” I went into a cycle of self hatred. To the world I was a proud bald woman but inside I hated everything about me. 

I was worthless,ugly and unwanted I hated myself so why should anyone feel differently about me. I hit self destruct mode a place I admit I am still in. I hated myself and was not worthy of love from anyone I started to push away everyone close to me and to this day I still do this. Why would anyone like me when I hate myself. 

By pushing people away I was confirming how awful I was and how, I was totally unlovable. This began a cycle of self harm. I needed to be punished as by pushing people away it just furthered my belief that I was truly no one and nothing to anyone. 

The facade I put up was exhausting but I could not show weakness I could not share how I truly felt as I didn’t matter I was a nobody. How many people I have lost I cannot count, this was my punishment for existing. I deserved to be alone and have no one care for me. 

I wonder how much of my past feeds into this belief as I was told in my last relationship I was a “face and a Fanny” and nothing more. I don’t like to blame the past but maybe this is something I should explore as my self hatred and lack of self worth had to have started somewhere. 

I have never been a confident person and I never ask for help. I have been told in the past I don’t need help as “ I’m strong”. I wish that were true. I am far from strong deep down I am a weak insecure nervous wreck. 

I wonder what or who I would be if I never went through all this but maybe this is what I am supposed to go through, if that’s the case there is a person up there with a serious sick sense of humour but who knows. 

I often wonder why I am still here maybe one day I will find out what I am destined to become

Dare to dream or give up xxxx